Where I was

August 5, 2015 at 12:57 pm 2 comments

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Five years ago, on August 1: in Porto, standing on a bridge, watching a seagull drift. I was marveling at the beautiful melancholy of a moody, cloudy morning, and at the same time feeling the most intense sadness for seemingly no reason at all.

I didn’t know yet. And yet I did.

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Those of you who know me well know that this is the hardest time of year for me and my family. It has been five years since my brother died and the fact that he is gone seems more unbelievable than ever. Anyone who has lost someone they love must know this feeling, and this question: how is it even possible? How can someone that was so real, so vital, so essential, just be gone?

There is no answer to that question, no solution to that feeling. There is only sorrow and regret, sadness at what can never be, and holding close to the ones you have left. For everyone who has offered comfort this week, and in all the weeks before: thank you. It helps more than I can say.

I will never know for sure, but in my heart I believe this is where I was, and where he was, when he passed. What I felt was so strong: it had to be real.

I hope he was there, too, just for a minute or two. Maybe he was that seagull flying up high, taking in the view as he journeyed to the next place.

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Entry filed under: Family, Life, Travel.

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lorirensink  |  August 5, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    Beautifully written, thank you for sharing. It must be hard thing for you and your family. Death and loss are things we never quite get use to. We can think we are doing okay, but then something pokes the scab open and it hurts all over again.

  • 2. Gayle  |  August 6, 2015 at 8:21 am

    He WAS there. You felt him. Hope your little guy can soften some of the pain of what is, as Christine has said on Facebook, one of the hardest kinds of losses. Hugs Erica.

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